I could go on awhile about what happened to my mom, about what was wrong with her and how it could have been avoided. It wasn't cancer or a car crash... it was simply a fixable medical problem that medical people failed to figure out in time. I could and probably will one day on here, go on about the shock and frustration of unexpectedly losing a key member of my life, but for some reason, I don't feel like doing that today. Today, I feel like talking about life.
One year from today, I will have known my mom dead, just as long as I knew her alive. In many ways, I know her more dead because I couldn't possible remember time when I was very young but I have vivid memories of all my 14 years without her. This scares me in so many ways.
She was only 42, I have young friends who are 42. They are just getting married for the first time. My dad lost his wife after only 23 years of knowing her... Mac and I have known each other for 14. Could we really be only 9 years away for our life together being over, at only 29 years old? I have lived almost most of my life as a motherless daughter but have only just begun my journey on the other side of that equation, as a mother to a daughter. What if that journey got cut short for me. What if I had to miss well over a majority of my daughters life or my sons?
All of that is scaring me today. Some April 12ths are just like normal days, some are plagued with moody fits of frustration or crying... today was just a little panicky. I don't want time to go so fast. I don't want to know my mom more dead then alive, I don't want to have 1/2 a life with my husband or children. I want to live like my mom didn't have a chance to. I hope I look back in soooo many years from now and I can say I did that. I promise to give it hell.
I love you and miss you mom!
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