I said sometimes I could just say hi. So Hi. I'm still tired and grumpy. I'm really not in the mood to do this. I go from one extreme of loving to put the story together to hating to even think of a complete sentence to explain anything. Really fucking bad mood.
Promise 4 - I did turn my mood around last night but the mood creeped back today. WTF I guess that's why I'm doing this.
Promise 5 - go to bed early and wake up early in the morning to get moving.
**S**
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
Attitude - yup, I have one
My plan today was to write about Pickle but right now I'm tired, irritated and frustrated. I don't feel like writing or dealing with the house full of kids I currently have and that's that. I was on Facebook trying to avoid writing at all and I came across the quote above on someones status. I'm going to decide that quote is true and decide to act differently the rest of the night. I feel like this is a time I would normally disengage, let John handle everything and act like a brat. I may have done that most of the day, but NOT tonight! Let's see how this goes.
Promise 3 update- It took until 2:07 am but I did it!
Promise 4 - Stop acting like a tired bitch because you had to stay up until 2 doing laundry - you had a 2.5 hr nap so don't lie!
**S**
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Promises
I woke up yesterday morning at 9am and the first words out of my husbands mouth are, "What were you doing online last night?" I was baffled since I specifically decided to avoid his making fun of me and NOT tell him about this blog for awhile (damn those beers I had before bed, I forgot to close my word document). At this point, I'm hoping he's talking about something else... "What do you mean??" I say with fake puzzlement. Directly he says, "Spoiled Housewife's... sounds like a porn site." So with that, my little secret of 10 hours was thrown into the atmosphere and I felt, well, really fucking stupid.
The rest of the day I was concerned; Do I have him read it? Do I say nothing? Do I wonder if he's reading it? Shit, I look like a tard! We talked a little about it and I ended up having him read it so I could just get it out of the way. After that, I went from feeling stupid to just plain embarrassed. After I wrote our story though, I really started feeling confident. There is nothing in this world right now that I am more interested in or passionate about than my family. What better way to renew my passion for writing, a topic I could go on and on and on about. I don't care if this doesn't interest anyone else, I only care that I give my life, our life and story, a voice. Now my brain is going crazy with wonderful, exciting ways to do that!
Pick a topic... Mac's cheating father, my alcoholic ex-cop father, our preemie baby, our hell child, starting a business, gambling, traveling, my mom's death or Mac's battle with his temper... I could go on for DAYS and now I have 362 more to do just that.
What is even more exciting about this is, to get back to my topic of Promises, I'm already seeing some of the ways this is going to help me. Day 1, I decided to promise myself on paper (well screen) to write everyday. I knew this would make sure I had a reason to write - you know, what if I didn't write one day and that was the ONE day I got a view on this stupid thing?? SOO, Day 2, after bringing back wonderful memories of me and Mac, I was inspired to give him a little.. ummm "promise 2" and OOOHHH did I!
Without going into detail (no need to prove Mac right and turn this into a porn site), I was in the mindset to be more giving. I was ready to have fun and without even trying or planning anything. I didn't do what I thought he wanted or what I normally do, I just went with it. It made such a difference, not because "I'll do it because I 'promised' to", it was "I promised to because I really want to do it." It helped me own the fact that sex wasn't something that just happened, but something I really wanted to make happen. When we were going to bed later that night, I honestly said, "Man, that was kind of empowering." STOP HERE.... WHAT?? That's what I said I wanted to do in the description of this blog! It really hit me like that. I wanted to jump up and down screaming, "I did it. I'm doing it... what I said I wanted to do!!" It made me feel... wait for it... even more empowered.
So just like that, with a couple promises and some great sex, I'm 100% convinced this year and my life will be better because of this blog. I hope I can find a few people to join me!
So, Promise #2 ~ check and CHECK, if I do say so myself! Good lookin out S!
Promise #3 ~ Get the fucking laundry done lazy. I mean all of it. Done doesn't mean the last two loads in the washer and dryer... it means ALL washed, dried, folded and put away... before bed! (damn, I'm a bitch to myself. Maybe that's tomorrows topic!)
**S**
The rest of the day I was concerned; Do I have him read it? Do I say nothing? Do I wonder if he's reading it? Shit, I look like a tard! We talked a little about it and I ended up having him read it so I could just get it out of the way. After that, I went from feeling stupid to just plain embarrassed. After I wrote our story though, I really started feeling confident. There is nothing in this world right now that I am more interested in or passionate about than my family. What better way to renew my passion for writing, a topic I could go on and on and on about. I don't care if this doesn't interest anyone else, I only care that I give my life, our life and story, a voice. Now my brain is going crazy with wonderful, exciting ways to do that!
Pick a topic... Mac's cheating father, my alcoholic ex-cop father, our preemie baby, our hell child, starting a business, gambling, traveling, my mom's death or Mac's battle with his temper... I could go on for DAYS and now I have 362 more to do just that.
What is even more exciting about this is, to get back to my topic of Promises, I'm already seeing some of the ways this is going to help me. Day 1, I decided to promise myself on paper (well screen) to write everyday. I knew this would make sure I had a reason to write - you know, what if I didn't write one day and that was the ONE day I got a view on this stupid thing?? SOO, Day 2, after bringing back wonderful memories of me and Mac, I was inspired to give him a little.. ummm "promise 2" and OOOHHH did I!
Without going into detail (no need to prove Mac right and turn this into a porn site), I was in the mindset to be more giving. I was ready to have fun and without even trying or planning anything. I didn't do what I thought he wanted or what I normally do, I just went with it. It made such a difference, not because "I'll do it because I 'promised' to", it was "I promised to because I really want to do it." It helped me own the fact that sex wasn't something that just happened, but something I really wanted to make happen. When we were going to bed later that night, I honestly said, "Man, that was kind of empowering." STOP HERE.... WHAT?? That's what I said I wanted to do in the description of this blog! It really hit me like that. I wanted to jump up and down screaming, "I did it. I'm doing it... what I said I wanted to do!!" It made me feel... wait for it... even more empowered.
So just like that, with a couple promises and some great sex, I'm 100% convinced this year and my life will be better because of this blog. I hope I can find a few people to join me!
So, Promise #2 ~ check and CHECK, if I do say so myself! Good lookin out S!
Promise #3 ~ Get the fucking laundry done lazy. I mean all of it. Done doesn't mean the last two loads in the washer and dryer... it means ALL washed, dried, folded and put away... before bed! (damn, I'm a bitch to myself. Maybe that's tomorrows topic!)
**S**
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
My Husband
Awww... my husband, how do I explain him? Just thinking about trying makes me laugh but I'll give it a whirl. He is an extremely routine oriented, hard working, money driven salesman by nature. He likes sports and beer and money. He's meticulous, direct, crude, judgmental, funny, handsome, charming, and driven. Coming from a dad that was not a good example as husband, father or person for that matter, he battles his anger at times and can try to control things. Other than that, he kills himself to do the opposite of everything his dad does/did and is a wonderful father and husband. Here is our story:
We met January of our freshman year of high school. I was little miss goody two shoes and he was (I really don't mean to offend anyone here) a cute, baseball player who acted, frankly, like a wigger, WAY to wild for me but a friend of mine found out he liked me and introduced us. We spent a little time together and had been dating for a couple of months when my mom died. After that, I broke things off and we went our separate ways for the summer. Spinning from the loss of my mom, I spent that summer losing my little miss goody two shoes act and in true 16 year old fashion, he spent the summer getting HOT.
Once our sophomore year started, I quickly noticed my error in judgment and won him back one week later. After that, we were pretty much the on again, off again, classic high school couple. We really loved each other but acted like teenagers. We spent most of our days smoking cigs and pot behind the school and drinking when we could find a way. We didn't really get into trouble trouble but pot kind of took over Mac's world and he quit baseball his junior year and midway through our senior year, dropped out of school entirely . My policeman father was pretty much MIA after my mom died, Mac's dad screamed a lot but didn't follow though with anything and his mom didn't bother to do either. Really, we only had each other to depend on. I tried everything to get him to understand what pot was doing to him and even quit smoking pot my senior year as an effort to encourage him to do the same. It didn't make a difference because he didn't and really still doesn't, think that is the reason his life took a dive. Anyway, after I graduated and John got his GED (2 months b/f our graduating class) we headed off to South Carolina where we tried to live like grownups.
In SC we learned a lot, but mostly Mac learned he was a hell of a salesman and I learned I was very bitter about our past. It wasn't to long before Mac moved home to OH and I stayed in SC. I worked, partied, dated and even lived on my own for the first time ever. Mac and I didn't talk or have any communication at all. I don't want to get all sappy and 'we are meant to be' on you, but really what happened next was weird. About 9 months into our break up, I was home from work, cleaning my apartment, jammin to some country music when my dad called to tell me that he FINALLY left his crazy wife that had tormented me during high school. When I got off the phone, I was so excited, I thought "Man, I have to tell John!" It was like I forgot he wasn't there. I sat on my stairs, holding my old school big white cordless phone and put my head down. I was hit in the face with how much I missed him. Then, I mean RIGHT THEN, my phone rings and it is him. To this day, this is one of the most defining moments in our relationship. He had finally broken down and called to say he missed me and I couldn't hide my excitement. I don't recall the exact time line, but a few months, a couple of heartbroken ex's in our paths and 1 road trip later, I was back in Ohio.
It was then, when we were 20, that we really started the core of the relationship we have now. He worked selling cars and I went to school. We lived in a little bachelor pad with a pool table in the dining room and a mattress on the floor. We had fun, partied and spent every bit of his 100k income on nothingness. We became friends and put the past behind us and moved forward. Then, the day after Mothers Day 2003 AND while we were planing our very exciting wedding in St. Lucia, I found out I was pregnant. Obviously, this changed everything and in true Mac and S fashion, almost exactly 4 weeks later, we ditched St. Lucia, flew to Vegas and got married. June 6, 2003. <3
My pregnancy was very hard and I ended up on hospital bed rest for weeks and delivered our son, Pickle, 7 weeks early on November 14, 2003. During this time, me moved to a little rented house and Mac quit his high paying, time consuming sales job to help me while I was sick with preeclamsia. He took a low paying telemarketing job only as a last resort because we had no money. It didn't help that he didn't have a drivers license anymore due to MANY un-handled traffic tickets.
With a premature baby, money problems and legal issues looming, life was suddenly very overwhelming. Not to brag or anything but we manned together and fought our way out of it with a quickness. Mac took that telemarketing job and, with the help of my brother, cut out the middle man in order to start working for himself. Once the money started rolling in again, we went to every county that he owed and started facing the consequences for his actions, to the tune of over two thousand dollars and 10 days in jail. Very quickly we were right back on track, at least on paper.
Once the dust settled something was wrong with us. We were not working anymore and we both knew it. Even though we had a healthy baby, money and spent plenty of time together because he worked from home, we didn't think we could make it. We took a drive to the, what is now a famous place to us, Root Beer Stand. As waitresses hurried past us on roller skates, we sat in the car and started calmly discussing what was going to happen with our divorce; I would stay in the house, he would support Pickle and me until I got a job, then we would work out child support etc... that was when it hit me, what the hell are we doing? He is my family, my only real family. Would I have a conversation with my dad and say "Ok, here is all your stuff, it was nice knowin ya but I'll never see you again?" NOOO. That's where we both stepped back and said stop it, we are family and now A FAMILY, this isn't going to fall apart. We left the Root Beer Stand and made some changes, BIG changes. I stopped trying to control him (I should enjoy him while I still have him was my thinking) and the craziest thing happened, he stopped 'needing' to be controlled. We started respecting each other as people and that's where we ended up.We have love, respect and the willingness to battle everyday to keep it. We run our current business and are raising, not only Pickle, but his not so easy going sibling Princess - August 25, 2008 <3. We bought our first home July 2010 and the rest is TO BE CONTINUED...
Promise 2 - Tonight, have sex with my best friend and husband - man we have a good story! ;)
Anyone else have a promise to make? =)
**S**
We met January of our freshman year of high school. I was little miss goody two shoes and he was (I really don't mean to offend anyone here) a cute, baseball player who acted, frankly, like a wigger, WAY to wild for me but a friend of mine found out he liked me and introduced us. We spent a little time together and had been dating for a couple of months when my mom died. After that, I broke things off and we went our separate ways for the summer. Spinning from the loss of my mom, I spent that summer losing my little miss goody two shoes act and in true 16 year old fashion, he spent the summer getting HOT.
Once our sophomore year started, I quickly noticed my error in judgment and won him back one week later. After that, we were pretty much the on again, off again, classic high school couple. We really loved each other but acted like teenagers. We spent most of our days smoking cigs and pot behind the school and drinking when we could find a way. We didn't really get into trouble trouble but pot kind of took over Mac's world and he quit baseball his junior year and midway through our senior year, dropped out of school entirely . My policeman father was pretty much MIA after my mom died, Mac's dad screamed a lot but didn't follow though with anything and his mom didn't bother to do either. Really, we only had each other to depend on. I tried everything to get him to understand what pot was doing to him and even quit smoking pot my senior year as an effort to encourage him to do the same. It didn't make a difference because he didn't and really still doesn't, think that is the reason his life took a dive. Anyway, after I graduated and John got his GED (2 months b/f our graduating class) we headed off to South Carolina where we tried to live like grownups.In SC we learned a lot, but mostly Mac learned he was a hell of a salesman and I learned I was very bitter about our past. It wasn't to long before Mac moved home to OH and I stayed in SC. I worked, partied, dated and even lived on my own for the first time ever. Mac and I didn't talk or have any communication at all. I don't want to get all sappy and 'we are meant to be' on you, but really what happened next was weird. About 9 months into our break up, I was home from work, cleaning my apartment, jammin to some country music when my dad called to tell me that he FINALLY left his crazy wife that had tormented me during high school. When I got off the phone, I was so excited, I thought "Man, I have to tell John!" It was like I forgot he wasn't there. I sat on my stairs, holding my old school big white cordless phone and put my head down. I was hit in the face with how much I missed him. Then, I mean RIGHT THEN, my phone rings and it is him. To this day, this is one of the most defining moments in our relationship. He had finally broken down and called to say he missed me and I couldn't hide my excitement. I don't recall the exact time line, but a few months, a couple of heartbroken ex's in our paths and 1 road trip later, I was back in Ohio.
It was then, when we were 20, that we really started the core of the relationship we have now. He worked selling cars and I went to school. We lived in a little bachelor pad with a pool table in the dining room and a mattress on the floor. We had fun, partied and spent every bit of his 100k income on nothingness. We became friends and put the past behind us and moved forward. Then, the day after Mothers Day 2003 AND while we were planing our very exciting wedding in St. Lucia, I found out I was pregnant. Obviously, this changed everything and in true Mac and S fashion, almost exactly 4 weeks later, we ditched St. Lucia, flew to Vegas and got married. June 6, 2003. <3My pregnancy was very hard and I ended up on hospital bed rest for weeks and delivered our son, Pickle, 7 weeks early on November 14, 2003. During this time, me moved to a little rented house and Mac quit his high paying, time consuming sales job to help me while I was sick with preeclamsia. He took a low paying telemarketing job only as a last resort because we had no money. It didn't help that he didn't have a drivers license anymore due to MANY un-handled traffic tickets.
With a premature baby, money problems and legal issues looming, life was suddenly very overwhelming. Not to brag or anything but we manned together and fought our way out of it with a quickness. Mac took that telemarketing job and, with the help of my brother, cut out the middle man in order to start working for himself. Once the money started rolling in again, we went to every county that he owed and started facing the consequences for his actions, to the tune of over two thousand dollars and 10 days in jail. Very quickly we were right back on track, at least on paper.
Once the dust settled something was wrong with us. We were not working anymore and we both knew it. Even though we had a healthy baby, money and spent plenty of time together because he worked from home, we didn't think we could make it. We took a drive to the, what is now a famous place to us, Root Beer Stand. As waitresses hurried past us on roller skates, we sat in the car and started calmly discussing what was going to happen with our divorce; I would stay in the house, he would support Pickle and me until I got a job, then we would work out child support etc... that was when it hit me, what the hell are we doing? He is my family, my only real family. Would I have a conversation with my dad and say "Ok, here is all your stuff, it was nice knowin ya but I'll never see you again?" NOOO. That's where we both stepped back and said stop it, we are family and now A FAMILY, this isn't going to fall apart. We left the Root Beer Stand and made some changes, BIG changes. I stopped trying to control him (I should enjoy him while I still have him was my thinking) and the craziest thing happened, he stopped 'needing' to be controlled. We started respecting each other as people and that's where we ended up.We have love, respect and the willingness to battle everyday to keep it. We run our current business and are raising, not only Pickle, but his not so easy going sibling Princess - August 25, 2008 <3. We bought our first home July 2010 and the rest is TO BE CONTINUED...
Promise 2 - Tonight, have sex with my best friend and husband - man we have a good story! ;)
Anyone else have a promise to make? =)
**S**
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Spoiled, depressed or just plain LAZY?
So I guess this blog is really about calling bullshit on myself. Over the last 2 years, I have started to "settle" into my life.Here's the thing, I am REALLY HAPPY! I am... but honestly, I feel like I am happily letting my brain fall asleep... no kidding. I'm not sure if it's plain laziness, slight depression maybe or what but it has got to stop.
Ok, I will never claim to be a science rocket. I graduated high school with a 3. something and have only some college classes under my belt. You will find misspellings, some bad grammar and just plain stupid things in this blog, I have no doubt, but let me give you some examples of what I mean. I posted on my facebook this "overwhelmed by my lack of patients these last few weeks... holy cow LADY calm the %$#! down 2010 was a wonderful year and 2011 is going to be better so stop it!" Well, it took a nurse friend of mine to point out that she had patients, I needed patience. Then, in normal conversation, I mentioned someones behavior was 'erotic' when I meant 'erratic', it took DAYS to figure out why that friend laughed at me . No big deal you may think but I took honors English all through high school and my freshman year of college. I have found myself confused during conversations about current events and have noticed I'm developing a fear of driving on the freeway because my husband always drives! I LITERALLY feel myself becoming stupid.
You may say, "Ok then, go back to school, get a job do something to stop it. Why are you writing about it?" Well there are two reasons; One, I use to write all the time. I really enjoyed it and I was good at it. Writing seems like a good way to get my mind going again. The second reason is, I think I LIKE being lazy. My husband lets me sleep late in the morning if I want. Hey, guess what, I want! He will make dinner if I don't want to and I hate to cook. Hell, when I told him I was feeling like I was getting stupid, he said "wow, that sounds expensive." That may sound condescending to some but really he was just saying "do whatever you want to fix it."
SO, with all that said, I have decided to change things. No more, "I was so busy with the kids" (when most moms know the kids are not ALWAYS out of hand) No more "I'm really tired" when I slept til 10am and didn't leave the house except go to the gym. I need to be more giving and less taking of my husband. I need to use the talents I was given to make a mark on this world other than my two children. I will break this fog of spoiled laziness I'm in, even if I really do like it. <3
Promise 1: Post EVERY DAY for a year! Even if it is just a quick hi and even if no one ever reads or comments on this blog
I'd love to hear your promises to yourself - Let me know!
**S**
**S**
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