Needing advice

So, I've been very impatient lately, grumpy at times, I guess just not in a bad mood but not in a great mood. My hubby brought it to my attention last night, which I already knew, but he also said it seems like I'm not excited to be pregnant!! I really don't want him to feel like that. I am 5 months now, and one would think I'd be ecstatic, especially given how long I've wanted this. I have NO ill feelings towards having a baby, it's just my mood sucks. And I don't know why and I don't know how to fix it!!! The only thing I can think is b/c I'm so busy with work, school, house stuff, and have been stressing about all of the stuff I want done around the house before the baby comes. But really? I don't think that's a good enough excuse, we're about to have a huge blessing arrive at our door steps in 4 months!!!!! I should be jumping for joy!

So....If anyone has any advice for me, it would be greatly appreciated. I'm kinda at a loss here.

~M~

Just a follow-up...

Hey, I just wanted to let you know I am still writing. I don't think it is really possible for me to do it everyday, though I am going to try. I get really frustrated if I don't feel like writing and just end up writing a bunch of stupid nonsense. So, with that said, I am on the road to working hard this year and there are some new, exciting, scary things at work.  I've been crazy busy but have continued to make my promises (for the most part) and really push myself not to slack. I'm still a work in progress but it's going. :) I still have to finish my cyst story though because it is only 1/2 over... I'll need to make time for that! Good night!

Promise: finish the last bit of work stuff I have to do. It has been piling up and I've made a dint so I need to keep it up!!!

My Promise

Figured after all that, I should definitely make a promise to change something. I promise to change how frustrated I get. Instead of getting so frustrated, I will take deep breaths and remember how unimportant whatever's going on is. ~M~

What to title this? Who knows!

One of those evenings...in a decent mood, but nothing spectacular due to the normal daily stresses...working all day, then accidentally dumping my son's entire plate of dinner in the sink, upside down of course, when I only really made enough for him, and then knowing that I have to put in at least 2 hours of homework and studying tonight b/c this Math crap is starting to go a little over my head and I have a quiz tomorrow. And in the midst of studying, I decide to take break and read the Spoiled Housewives post. Then I find that S has written! YAY! And as I read, I realize something (other than the fact that I really need to keep in better contact with S) ...spilling my son's plate of food, and having to do homework, and all of my normal stresses from work, all really equal out to one big who gives a fuck. Seriously. I could be spending the day mourning the loss of someone I love, like my very best friend is and doesn't deserve to be. My stupid little stresses are just that, stupid. And I better get my crap together and start cherishing things more and getting less stressed over dumb stuff. So S - Thanks for putting things back into perspective for me. And I'm so sorry you are hurting. There's really no words for it. I know it has been quite a few years now, but that doesn't matter, there are still really no words for it, other than saying I love you and I hope you know that even if we were to go 10 years without talking, I am always here for you and feel the same way about you and our friendship as I always have. ~M~

April 12, 1997

Fourteen years ago today, my mom died. I was just a few months past 15 when I sat in a hospital waiting room and saw a doctor walk out and motion my dad. I followed them both to a hallway, where I saw the look on my dads face and I knew.

I could go on awhile about what happened to my mom, about what was wrong with her and how it could have been avoided. It wasn't cancer or a car crash... it was simply a fixable medical problem that medical people failed to figure out in time. I could and probably will one day on here, go on about the shock and frustration of unexpectedly losing a key member of my life, but for some reason, I don't feel like doing that today. Today, I feel like talking about life.

One year from today, I will have known my mom dead, just as long as I knew her alive. In many ways, I know her more dead because I couldn't possible remember time when I was very young but I have vivid memories of all my 14 years without her. This scares me in so many ways.

She was only 42, I have young friends who are 42. They are just getting married for the first time. My dad lost his wife after only 23 years of knowing her... Mac and I have known each other for 14. Could we really be only 9 years away for our life together being over, at only 29 years old? I have lived almost most of my life as a motherless daughter but have only just begun my journey on the other side of that equation, as a mother to a daughter. What if that journey got cut short for me. What if I had to miss well over a majority of my daughters life or my sons?

All of that is scaring me today. Some April 12ths are just like normal days, some are plagued with moody fits of frustration or crying... today was just a little panicky.  I don't want time to go so fast. I don't want to know my mom more dead then alive, I don't want to have 1/2 a life with my husband or children. I want to live like my mom didn't have a chance to. I hope I look back in soooo many years from now and I can say I did that.  I promise to give it hell.

I love you and miss you mom!

"And there's holes in the floor of Heaven
and her tears are pourin down
that's how you know she's watchin'
wishin' she could be here now
and sometimes when I'm lonely
...I remember she can see
there's holes in the floor of Heaven
and she's watchin' over you and me" ♥ ♥