There is a reason for this...

I got WAYYY too lazy with writing. I've lost my "purpose each day" attitude. This morning I woke up thinking about the blog since I just wanted to stay under my covers and not get up. So, I'm back... need a little pick me up!

Ok, promise, promise. Something easy to start off with. I am going to spend tomorrow thinking about my goals for the next month and put them on paper. Really on paper and set a plan to achieve them.

I am sorry blog, that I abandoned you. I promise you were created in love and I have not forgotten you.

M~ I think we talked about this - Men are stupid. You want a baby, not crazy hormones that you don't understand! Focus on appreciating things when you feel good and cut yourself some slack when little Mike is making you crazy!

Crap

CRAP! I've forgotten to make my promises lately!! Let me first say that my attitude has improved...I just had to do a quick readjustment. YAY!! Have to think of a promise...Been soooo busy lately. Will post tomorrow with something worthwhile.

~M~

Needing advice

So, I've been very impatient lately, grumpy at times, I guess just not in a bad mood but not in a great mood. My hubby brought it to my attention last night, which I already knew, but he also said it seems like I'm not excited to be pregnant!! I really don't want him to feel like that. I am 5 months now, and one would think I'd be ecstatic, especially given how long I've wanted this. I have NO ill feelings towards having a baby, it's just my mood sucks. And I don't know why and I don't know how to fix it!!! The only thing I can think is b/c I'm so busy with work, school, house stuff, and have been stressing about all of the stuff I want done around the house before the baby comes. But really? I don't think that's a good enough excuse, we're about to have a huge blessing arrive at our door steps in 4 months!!!!! I should be jumping for joy!

So....If anyone has any advice for me, it would be greatly appreciated. I'm kinda at a loss here.

~M~

Just a follow-up...

Hey, I just wanted to let you know I am still writing. I don't think it is really possible for me to do it everyday, though I am going to try. I get really frustrated if I don't feel like writing and just end up writing a bunch of stupid nonsense. So, with that said, I am on the road to working hard this year and there are some new, exciting, scary things at work.  I've been crazy busy but have continued to make my promises (for the most part) and really push myself not to slack. I'm still a work in progress but it's going. :) I still have to finish my cyst story though because it is only 1/2 over... I'll need to make time for that! Good night!

Promise: finish the last bit of work stuff I have to do. It has been piling up and I've made a dint so I need to keep it up!!!

My Promise

Figured after all that, I should definitely make a promise to change something. I promise to change how frustrated I get. Instead of getting so frustrated, I will take deep breaths and remember how unimportant whatever's going on is. ~M~

What to title this? Who knows!

One of those evenings...in a decent mood, but nothing spectacular due to the normal daily stresses...working all day, then accidentally dumping my son's entire plate of dinner in the sink, upside down of course, when I only really made enough for him, and then knowing that I have to put in at least 2 hours of homework and studying tonight b/c this Math crap is starting to go a little over my head and I have a quiz tomorrow. And in the midst of studying, I decide to take break and read the Spoiled Housewives post. Then I find that S has written! YAY! And as I read, I realize something (other than the fact that I really need to keep in better contact with S) ...spilling my son's plate of food, and having to do homework, and all of my normal stresses from work, all really equal out to one big who gives a fuck. Seriously. I could be spending the day mourning the loss of someone I love, like my very best friend is and doesn't deserve to be. My stupid little stresses are just that, stupid. And I better get my crap together and start cherishing things more and getting less stressed over dumb stuff. So S - Thanks for putting things back into perspective for me. And I'm so sorry you are hurting. There's really no words for it. I know it has been quite a few years now, but that doesn't matter, there are still really no words for it, other than saying I love you and I hope you know that even if we were to go 10 years without talking, I am always here for you and feel the same way about you and our friendship as I always have. ~M~

April 12, 1997

Fourteen years ago today, my mom died. I was just a few months past 15 when I sat in a hospital waiting room and saw a doctor walk out and motion my dad. I followed them both to a hallway, where I saw the look on my dads face and I knew.

I could go on awhile about what happened to my mom, about what was wrong with her and how it could have been avoided. It wasn't cancer or a car crash... it was simply a fixable medical problem that medical people failed to figure out in time. I could and probably will one day on here, go on about the shock and frustration of unexpectedly losing a key member of my life, but for some reason, I don't feel like doing that today. Today, I feel like talking about life.

One year from today, I will have known my mom dead, just as long as I knew her alive. In many ways, I know her more dead because I couldn't possible remember time when I was very young but I have vivid memories of all my 14 years without her. This scares me in so many ways.

She was only 42, I have young friends who are 42. They are just getting married for the first time. My dad lost his wife after only 23 years of knowing her... Mac and I have known each other for 14. Could we really be only 9 years away for our life together being over, at only 29 years old? I have lived almost most of my life as a motherless daughter but have only just begun my journey on the other side of that equation, as a mother to a daughter. What if that journey got cut short for me. What if I had to miss well over a majority of my daughters life or my sons?

All of that is scaring me today. Some April 12ths are just like normal days, some are plagued with moody fits of frustration or crying... today was just a little panicky.  I don't want time to go so fast. I don't want to know my mom more dead then alive, I don't want to have 1/2 a life with my husband or children. I want to live like my mom didn't have a chance to. I hope I look back in soooo many years from now and I can say I did that.  I promise to give it hell.

I love you and miss you mom!

"And there's holes in the floor of Heaven
and her tears are pourin down
that's how you know she's watchin'
wishin' she could be here now
and sometimes when I'm lonely
...I remember she can see
there's holes in the floor of Heaven
and she's watchin' over you and me" ♥ ♥

M's Promise for the week

My promise for the week is to get organized!! I have a LOT of things to do and I can't do them until I get everything planned out and organized! ~M~

M

Yay! So glad to hear you're working on your children's book! Well, I think my promise is going to be to work on my balance. I need to do better at balancing house work, my projects around the house, time with my family, my laziness, etc. Not sure how to really do that other than being more aware of it, but I'll figure it out. ~M~

book

I am having so much fun working on my children's book I forgot about you Spoiled today. I will get to you!

Outta time

I didn't have time to finish my story so I will continue my Cyst story tomorrow. All is good. Good night and I will see you tomorrow.

LOFL

LOFL - I just made that up for your story S, that is F'ing hilarious (not laughing at your pain, just the story). That's the S I know, telling your story like a pro. Must admit, I've never really wanted to know THAT much info about a vag cyst, but I definitely learned something new. Not wishing for any kind of infection here, but man, your story puts all my little crappy promise blogs to shame... Well I'm glad you're back and feeling better!!! My next promise....do some research on adding an enclosed porch or a deck or something of the sort to our house. Not sure hubby would go for it, but it at least deserves some research. ~M~

Bartholin Cyst Part 1

Tuesday AM - Ok, so it starts with slight swelling... you know, down there. Defined by Wikipedia as : A Bartholin's cyst is formed when a Bartholin's gland is blocked, causing a fluid-filled cyst to develop. A Bartholin's cyst is not an infection, although it can be caused by an infection, inflammation, or physical blockage (mucus or other impediment) to the Bartholin's ducts (tubes which lead from the glands to the vulva). If infection sets in, the result is a Bartholin's abscess. Yup, it is just about as fun as it sounds.

Sooooo.... I made a call to my doc and I'm all "Hey, I'm getting a Bartholin cyst and I need some antibiotics." The nurse calls in some meds and ASSURES me to call if it gets worse.

GUESS WHAT... it got worse.

Wednesday 6:30 PM - Me: "Yo nurse, call me first thing in the morning. I am hurting like a hooker after a double shift! I'd say it's a no go on the meds!!"

do dee do dee doooo.... 7:30 PM - worse, 10:00 PM -try to sleep, 7 AM - start trying to call the doctor. This was a little game I like to call, Make S GUESS what time you open up because you don't say it on your RECORDING!" (note: this game is only REALLY fun when you have severe pain in the vaginal area, thighs and lower belly, as well as a good solid 3 hours night sleep).

Thursday 8:30 AM - I get a hold of the nurse and explain that the antibiotics are NOT working and I needed to come in and get the abscess drained. She ever so nicely responds, "The doctor will be in in a few. I will consult with her and get back to you. You know how it is with people on vacation and babies being born."

Fun side note: Pickle enters at 8:35 AM crying with an ear infection. I call his doc and get an appointment at 1:00 PM and call my 11 AM appointment to cancel AND call a babysitter for Princess because OF COURSE, the hubby is headed outta town at 10 AM.

Ok, back on track here; the nurse calls back and informs me they are short on doctors and I had to go to the emergency room (located down stairs from my doc). I wasn't really happy about this but a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do.

I enter the emergency room and they take me right back. A nurse comes in, takes a look at 'it' and says, "Ok, I've never drained one of those. I mean, I think I can. I'm sure I probably can but I'll call your doc and they will have to come down." I'll admit, that made my blood pressure rise a little.

Next, a male doc comes in. He takes a look and asks some reasonable questions including the statement, "Dr.Beth must not know you are here." ummmm correction guy, I did call her first. Then he asks if I have a ride home from the ER. I explain about Pickles ear infection and husband going out of town so therefore I have to decline the pain meds because I wouldn't be able to drive. He then decides to go on and on ... and OOOONNNN about how painful the draining process is and how I'm such a brave soul for sticking this out without pain meds. Keep in mind, I have had these before. I'd say 6 or so and have NEVER had pain meds. By the time he was done, I felt like I was going in for open heart surgery without anesthesia. My blood pressure continued to elevate.  He leaves my area and stands behind the curtain and schools a group of residents on how my VAG is infected.

Finally, a doc from my office comes in, drains the cyst, gives me pain med prescription, smacks me on the ass and sends me on my way to the tune of $150.00 upfront and more money due later.

I know what you are all wondering. What is the condition of your vaginal area at this point? Well, let me tell you, she went up inside me, cut a hole, drained the infection and inserted a catheter to continue to drain the infection.With all that, I feel quite a bit better with the pressure gone.

I then rush to my 11 o'clock appointment, run past the babysitter to get Pickle for his doctor appointment, run to the pharmacy to pick up all of our meds, go back to the babysitter, get Princess, run past a fast food joint for lunch/dinner and make it home around 4 PM. I am throbbing at this point. I then indulged in some pain meds. Ohhh thank GOSH!!!

The END. bahahahahahahah yeah right. Part 2 coming tomorrow!

M for the next few days

For the next few days, my promise is to work on the filing and shredding that absolutely needs done. It will definitely take me a few days. Also, I will get "all dolled up"...We're interviewing at work so that gives me a reason to HAVE to look nice, and I'm sure my hubby will appreciate it. ~M~

workin hard or hardly workin??

night everyone.

Bartholin Cyst

Definition: The Bartholin's glands are located on each side of the vaginal opening. These glands secrete fluid that helps lubricate the vagina. Sometimes the openings of these glands become obstructed, causing fluid to back up into the gland. The result is relatively painless swelling called a Bartholin cyst. At times, the fluid within the cyst may become infected, resulting in pus surrounded by inflamed tissue (abscess).

Yeah it's a fun as it sounds! I can't really write right now cause the hubby is staring over my shoulder. I really need to write sooner in the day! I promise to tommorrow.

Ok, off to the doc tommorrow to make sure this stuff is taken care of! <3

M

Yay! So glad you're back (and alive, I was beginning to wonder). :) Same old promise for me, I'm getting VERY tired of hearing myself promise this ... More work to come on the baby room. But this time I'm going to try my new 30 minute approach. Where I run in the room, practically with my eyes closed, and throw almost everything away. And then run out and not second guess myself. If I continue on the way I've been doing it, I'll be sorting out every battery and key and dumb little thing I haven't seen in 7 years until this baby is like 10!! ~M~

Recovering

I'm gonna have to wait a bit on my story. Right now I'm jacked up on pain meds and couldn't articulate it right anyway. Tonight I'm resting after a busy day of obligations. It feels great to relax without so much pain!!

Promise tonight - stop give my husband a hard time for being an asshole last night

Ok, so I know your all like WTF.. She promised us a story about her vagina then bails again... Just an update the story it to be continued at the er now. Don't worry, I'm fine just pissed! I'll let y'all know soon!!

I'm back - again

Hey M!! I'm so sorry I haven't written.  I really think I have been going through one of those periods I was referring to when I started this blog and said I didn't know if I was bored, lazy or depressed.  I'm not sure I would call it depressed because I don't really feel depressed. In fact, I went to SC and had a great time. It is more anxiety related. I start to worry and feel anxious and it's really all that I can think about.

I stopped writing because I couldn't make room in my brain to stop and think about anything other than what I was worrying about. Let me be clear, my worry is completely self created and usually doesn't have much truth to it. I, for some reason, choose a couple of things and dwell and dwell on them for weeks sometimes.  I couldn't really write because... well I would figure out I'm a crazy lady! haha No really,  I felt to bad continuing to just say 'hi' or a quick I'm pissed off and I wouldn't take the time to really look at the issues and think clearly and articulate it, so I decided to stop writing and worry and feel bad about it instead.

Well, I'm back and going to take a stab at all this again. =)

M, this is gonna sound silly, but it really means a lot to me you're still writing. I don't know, I thought maybe you would stop because you thought I bailed... I didn't even check your message because I felt bad, how silly is that??

Coming tomorrow - a detail account of how it feels to have a resident doctor drain a cyst on your VAG... it's a can't miss!

hmmm promise promise sit down and do some financial planning stuff that is over due for SDNT!

M

Making progress on the baby room! My promise for tonight is to spend more time on it. Boring promise, I know, but it has to be done. And it's starting to look cleared out, so that's motivating!

~M~

M's Next Promises

Good wonderful Friday morning!! I am so happy it's Friday AND it's beautiful out!

I am making my promises now for today and this weekend...

First of all, my last promise still stands, which I actually haven't started yet, other than making a list of what needs to be done in that room....START WORKING ON THE BABY ROOM! Oh, and I found a crib/changing table/dresser set that I really like for a good price. That's a start!

My next promise for the weekend is to get all "dolled up" TWICE between now and Sunday. My husband is probably tired of seeing me with my hair pulled back, in a t-shirt and comfy pants. But he hasn't said anything, he has been very understanding lately. :)

M - Oops I forgot

I totally forgot to comment on S's Girls Day post, and I meant to....Can I say that I totally agree, and oddly enough, that saying is subconsciously one of the ways I can tell who my closest friends are. And not only can you go periods of time and then get right back to where you are when you do talk or get together, you miss these very close people! I don't "miss" a lot of people outside of family, so for those of you very, very few that I do, I'm sorry for not keeping in better contact and I love you guys! As I've gotten older, my group of friends has gotten way smaller, and that's really how I prefer it, b/c I know that the friends I have now are my closest, most reliable, caring and TRUE friends, and I love them like they're my family (of course that's you S!).

So I have a few days off before the next quarter of school starts back up, so I want to get a little bit of my baby room done! There is TONS to do in that room where we've dumped everything for years, so I figure I should start, even if it's just a little at a time. So that's my promise!

Side note to S - I really miss the times when I'd pull this website up to find you had posted a long narrative story that made me laugh, cry, and think haha, that's so S. I know life is very busy, so I definitely understand...I just wanted to tell you that you're an EXCELLENT writer and I really miss your stories, and I hope you can get back to them soon. Not just b/c I want to read them, but b/c I know you like to write and it helps to reminisce, reflect, etc.

Apparently I like to write too, b/c I'm frickin writing a book here, so ta ta for now, should probably go do something other than find another reason to sit on this couch and be lazy. :)

Hi!

M - Crazy evening accomplished

Aaah, it feels so nice to have this crazy evening accomplished successfully. And now I'm sitting on the couch with a slushy and my blanket in my PJ's, lovin it. Now this is relaxing!!

M

This is going to be a crazy evening, and my head is already starting to hurt...so my promise for tonight is to not go crazy. We have a MILLION things going on tonight, but I can't be crazy b/c I have my Math final tonight. So I guess a better promise is to try to stay as relaxed as possible this evening.

~M~

Period

I'm convinced my period is causing me to go crazy! Ever since I had my Princess I have been a crazy lunatic about 10 days of the month, 5 before my period and 4 after it starts.  I'm finally getting over myself and getting laundry, bill and other stuff I didn't do done. Crazy. I think this might be part of my problem. My vitamin B has really helped but I'm out of control with this period mess!!!! <3 you!!

Promise - hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm mail some stupid shoes tomorrow that I was suppose to months ago so I can get a rebate!

Promise - WHAT NUMBER?

I promise to reevaluate my promises. It's been too long of a boring wring rut I've been in.

Girls Day

Wonderful girls day with a mani and pedi with my princess.

It's been said that everlasting friends can go long periods of time without speaking and never question the friendship.These types of friends pick up like they just spoke yesterday, regardless of how long it has been or how far away they live, and they don't hold grudges.They understand that life is busy...but you will ALWAYS love them.♥ thanks M~ and Cat =) and just a few others!

<3 Promise <3 I just don't know. I'm kinda lost right now